Worry vs Worship

"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more than food or the body more than clothes? Look at the birds in the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns? And yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:24-26

I remember during my undergrad studies at Johnson University several professors would say our activities could serve as worship. If we had the right heart and were putting forth the effort into things such as our studies or our work study jobs then those activities could and would be seen by God as acts of worship. I used to wonder about that? So many times we think of worship as kneeling down at church, or eyes closed in reverent prayer or hands raised in wild singing, but something as mundane as an everyday activity could be seen by my Almighty creator as worship?

Now enter my worry: I often put off the enjoyment side of life because of worry... I tell myself not today because of what tomorrow might hold or even what tonight might bring? I have recently realized if I had the same mentality years ago that I have now I may have never had children, I would have thought I couldn't have afforded them! Allow me to offer an example; my husband and I have rented our home for the last year. Its a very nice home and until very recently we were thinking we would move as soon as possible, the plan was to buy as soon as possible. However, as I mentioned in a previous post with our landlord being so understanding and my husband still looking for a full time placement in teaching we have just decided that staying put is the best thing for us.


Now the way my mind works is this, since we rent our home and thus we do not know where we will eventually live "permanently" I think to myself "lets not buy anything or spend anything and so on". And thus I don't get excited and I seem to stay stuck in a never ending rut. I am coming to realize that rut is not an act of worship. This is not to say that I am thinking God wants to be go out and spend! But I am recognizing that I am living in worry and I do believe that God does not want me to live there either.

Our house has an amazing deck, and last summer my husband and I had this wonderful routine. Every morning we would get up earlier than the kids and Shan would drink his coffee and I would have my Crystal Light and we would sit on the deck talking some days for a few hours. Some days about things that were important and some days about nothing big, sometimes the conversations got intense and even tearful and some days they were full of laughter, some mornings we just sat in quiet and watched the deer on the hill pass our field. We loved those times and we both have mentioned how much we are looking forward to the weather warming up so we can start meeting out on the deck again. The thing is we do not have very comfortable chairs! We have a fun folding camp chairs we used last summer and we made due but as the summer and fall progressed they began to wear out. I mentioned to my husband the other day that I would like to invest in some nicer deck furniture, this was a shock to me; just saying those words out loud. I do not usually like to spend like that... I usually think "what if" what if we spend that money and something happens? But again isn't that living in worry?

I am sitting here this morning thinking back on those professors and that idea of activities being an act of worship? Sitting on the back deck holding my husbands hand, sometimes talking through the important emotional things we needed too, sometimes silly things, and sometimes being still and knowing by creation that God is God now isn't that an act of worship!

Oh how I want to do better at making my daily activities acts of worship and worrying less... I do not want to find myself at the end of my life realizing that I lived an entire life based on worries. Worries based on money as if there would be enough? Or worries based on what others would think? So I held back what needed to be said. Or worries based on what "should" be, in the sense that the the needs of the "to do list" out way the fun times of life.

It has become more and more clear to me that God desires my life to be one of worship not of worry. I do not want to spend my life thinking "when____" I will buy new deck furniture or "when _____" I will take that special trip with my husband, or "when ____" I will go on the dream vacation with my kids or even the day to day things like spending the whole day playing fun games doing just nothing on that "to do" list but completely enjoying my family. What am I waiting for? I am more convicted than ever that with every laugh with my children I am in an act of worship! With every kiss with my husband I am in an act of worship! With every visit with a friend on the back deck as we fellowship I am in an act of worship! If this is the case I have a choice to make today, do I live in worry or worship?

"Therefore since we are receiving a new kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe." Hebrews 12: 28

Unexpected Blessings

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do NOT see.

It's January 2nd and a new year has begun. I was feeling especially reflective at the beginning of a new year. Those close to me know why. I have come to see this month differently and my blog article choice explains more of that. This morning I sit here with an added sense of appreciation. On one hand I could be frustrated on a few external minor set backs, such as having a headache for the second day; however, the blessings our family has experienced over the last month have been so amazing, I cannot be downcast.

We started the Christmas season in a state of circumstances that most would consider bleak and many would not have thought wrong of us at all to complain or be discouraged in the least. I was scheduled to have brain surgery on December 13 for a condition that affects the Trigeminal Nerve which causes a great deal of pain to the face. I finished my first semester of graduate school on December 12, I was also homeschooling two of our three children, though we will have some catching up to do because of the times I needed to take off due to my own sickness. As Christmas approached and my surgery was just around the corner, we realized it would be necessary for my husband to take off work the week of my surgery, because he has been substituting for the Knox County school system, he would not be paid for his time off and with the Christmas break right after my surgery he would be off for a little over three weeks with no income. With that in mind, we had a family meeting with our children and we all decided we would do our family gift exchange (something we have been doing for several years and something we all LOVE to do) a little later when dad got back to work. This is what we were experiencing when Christmas approached for us.

Then the blessings began to spill upon our family. First, our church helped us by paying something extremely necessary. Then one night, I came home from some errands and my husband was giving directions to someone to our home . . . Our children told me some teachers were bringing by some lesson plans they needed to go over with him for some classes he would be teaching the next week. I didn't think anything of it, but I was not up for visiting and went back to our room. My husband came back to get me and asked me to come out and meet them when they arrived, and although I protested, I came out and to my surprise!!!!, two of my good friends from Indiana had come with presents for our kids! They had been emailing Shan because of a prayer request I had given one of them over a month before and their whole small group (that we were apart of ten years ago) had all gotten together and bought many things on the Christmas list I had originally made for the children's grandparents. I watched with tears as our children opened their gifts and we had such a nice visit and were blessed by their generosity.

A few days before my surgery, our landlord stopped by to check in and see if we needed anything and how things were going, he was going to be going out of state for two weeks. We had planned to call him because we had not paid our rent for December, and we knew we would have to pay January's rent late also; my husband explained to him again about my surgery and how he would be off of work for so long and that we would pay him as soon as we could; catching him up even with the fees. Our landlord blessed us so much beyond our understanding -he simply stated that he understood everyone was having a hard time right now and for us to concentrate on my surgery and to get the rent to him when we could.

The blessings didn't stop there, I could go on and on, we received two weeks of meals from friends and we received monetary gifts from family and friends. Then on Christmas Eve our older two children decided that they just didn't want their little brother to wake on Christmas morning without something to open, so they gathered up some video games and CDs and asked their dad to take them around to game stores to sell them. They bought Bryant something for Christmas and to his surprise, on Christmas morning he had some new video games under the tree! That was a great present for a mama, to see my children loving each other so much!

We are still on the roller coaster, as we drove home from the store on New Year's Eve our only running car broke down; we think it's the fuel pump. Each of us has had moments of frustration, you know how it is; you become used to being able to do what you want when you want. I drink a mix-in each morning with a bit of caffeine and I used my last one a couple days ago; without it, I get a headache. Needless to day, today is my second morning with a headache. I know I am spoiled so to speak, wanting to jump in the car or have my husband run to the store and pick something up for me; however, I can't help but remember our landlord or how much we have enjoyed playing the games our friends from Indiana gave us for Christmas, and in the bigger picture, isn't that what it's all about? Even now, as I was working on this article, my husband came in and told me that we received a call last night from a friend from church, she read on my Facebook where I had posted that we were needing help with our car and she told him her husband could fix it, he has always worked on their cars! God is so good!

This next year, I want to strive personally to focus on the blessings, not only when things are going well, like when there is always enough money to meet the need, when there is no pain, or when the scale is going down; but also when its hard - when things aren't adding up, when the jeans are too tight, when stress is high and tempers are flaring, because I think that is when focusing on the blessings is most important. Isn't that what faith is all about? Isn't that what seeing a blessing AS A BLESSING really is!

James 5:13 The Prayer of Faith
Is anyone among you in trouble? Let him pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise!

Procrastination

I am sitting here on a cold November morning. Its cold for me anyway. In East Tennessee many would say in other parts of the country that its not all that cold yet. We are originally from Indiana and our families there would trade our weather for theirs much of the winter I suppose. But I sit here looking our my sliding door window thinking of all the things I put off this last year. With the approaching holidays and thus the end of the year and other big events for myself and our family I guess I am in a reflective sort of mood. I sit here wondering why I have put so many of those things off. I can understand some of the things I have put off, for some reasons but others I can not.
Why do we do that? Why do we keep ourselves so busy with the business of those "to do lists" work, school, cleaning the house and so on, but on our other lists are those things we want to do, for me it was things like writing on this blog or scrap booking more or especially playing with my children more and not just those things I am willing to play but the things they want to play.
One the greatest most recent memories I have with one of our children came when my son was attempting to convince his brother or sister to play a video game with him. When no one would play with him I felt sorry for him and too his surprise I told him I would; this was not only a surprise to him but the whole family. I only play video games I LIKE and under my terms! You know the ones I am talking about the "old people" games as my kids would put it, like Pac Man or the Super Nintendo game the real games from may time or maybe things like Mario Cart. But I would never play a game of killing zombies especially not a game in which I do not know what I am doing and not now that I do not feel well. However I played with him and too my surprise and everyone else I had the best time with my son. We laughed so hard and yelled at the TV and those zombies for so long and by the time we were finished we had others in the house watching us and laughing along with us.
My son had told that story to the family over and over to the family and his friends time and again. But this story brings me back to my wrestling question again this morning why do we put things off? My house is no cleaner this morning because I have not blogged since January, or because I have not scrap booked or any of the other things I have been putting to do when I have "the time". I think women especially think they have to wait until everything is in order to steal away some special time for themselves to do something nice for themselves, yet have you ever heard a man (no offence intended) say I shouldn't play golf or watch this football game because I just haven't gotten my to do list accomplished? Why do we do that to ourselves? This is just something I have been wondering about this morning, perhaps this will provoke me to move in the areas I should and let go of those areas that I should give less attention too.
I have recently realized, my oldest son is going to college in 3 and a half years, he is planning to go to a nearby school but nonetheless he is planning to live at the college, we have just 3 and a half years with this person in our home. Realizing that has impacted me so much more. He is now so busy that I covet my time with him even more, do I really want to spend my time consumed with cleaning or rather over cleaning or striving for all A's or working more at friendships than familyships? I have decided NO! I would rather work on the relationships in this home everything else can wait...

Choices

It's a cold January morning as I sit here contemplating so many things. How did I get here? Not here in the since of Earth or time or space? But here in the since of simply my life and experiences. I choose to I could look at this particular time of the year, specifically this month with disdained and contempt; and to be honest for many years I did. It's been twenty years now and so many things have changed and that is why I sit here on this cold January morning contemplating. Because of those changes I have come to realize it's all about choices!



Twenty years ago this year, in 1990, my world was turned upside down and inside out. The specifics of those events will be left for another time; what you can take from my statement is this I was in the most dark place I had ever been and I stayed there for years. I eventually found my way out, or I should say I was led out by the grace of God!


In, January of 2001 another tragedy stuck my life again; and I began to think, "could this be happen again, in the same month?" My younger brother died in a car accident, he was 27 years old and left behind a young son who was not quite four years old at the time. Thoughts ran through my mind for hours that this would give me even more reason to just hide my heart away for the whole month of January, like I have attempted to do several times in years past.


These thoughts of using the death of my brother as another excuse to hide only lasted a few hours because there was a pressing physical pain that kept forcing me back to other more pressing issues... I was nine months pregnant with our third child and having contractions! I had rough pregnancies and been in preterm conditions with this pregnancy like the first two since the six month mark; and I had been hoping for weeks to go early. Yet on the day of hearing of my brothers death we all began to pray I could wait to deliver our baby until after my brother funeral.


My brothers car accident was on January 4th 2001 and on January 8 2001 we had his funeral. We had not gone to our families the previous Thanksgiving or Christmas because I had not been allowed to travel due to my pregnancy complications, but upon the news of my brothers death I just went. I let my OBGYN know of the news of my brothers death and that I was leaving town. I continued to have contractions and began to swell but none of us thought any thing of it. The night of my brothers funeral I went into labor and planned to drive back to our home hospital but my husband and mother convinced me to be checked out near where we were. Due to more complications the doctors preformed an emergency c-section. I was told the next day that the placenta had detached over 50%, I had been bleeding internally and that both our son and myself were at risk for not making it through the birth had we tried to drive back home.


Our son, Bryant was born January 9th weighing 9 pounds 4 ounces healthy and happy and is nine years old this month! The older ladies in our church at the time nick-named him their little miracle baby and each Wednesday night service when we would walk in they would walk up and snatch him out of my arms and I would sit in front of them and never get to hold him; they kept him like that until we moved away about seven months later... I didn't even know their names! Bryants has heard us tell this story so many times that he even uses it against us sometimes, when he is in trouble, saying "but I am your miracle baby" with a crooked sweet little smile on his face!


My point to this article is this, a time of the year that used to hold so much heartache and seemed to set me up for darkness has been changed. Revelation 21: 5 "He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." I believe even in our attitude God can transform us, I know he has done this work in me! I have come to believe its all about choices; we make so many choices everyday~ what we will wear, what we will eat, how we will get to work this morning and so on, we can also choose to look at the day positive or negative. You know when people ask, "how are you?" I have recently started responding, "I am well" I am not trying to be fake there are days I may in fact have a headache or something "big" going on in my personal life, but I know because of God in my life "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!" I also know I have a few prayer warriors I can call on to share those concerns with as I need too.


I don't want to come across as though things don't hurt, please don't think that is what I am saying; not in the least. I still remember the trauma from twenty years ago but it does not hold power over ms ad it once did. And I miss my brother all the time but I hold onto the promise that I will see him again. I have just learned that I can choose this dwell on what I don't have or the negative things that have happened in my life or I can choose this day to see the wonderful ways God has provided for me! I choose to see God working in my life.

Now, for example I look forward to January, can you believe that, we celebrate this month, and we think everyone should it's Bryants birthday it should be a holiday he is our miracle baby after all! :) Again my point is that it is all about choice's, there are still things in my heart that grieve me and I know they grieve my Father above (that is an article to come) but I choose to be thankful and stand on the positive that's all around.

Who Am I

I recently lost my old blog and had to start a new one. I decided to start afresh and begin with a little about me, this lead me to consider, "Who Am I?" When thinking about that question, I am humbled and could almost tremble with fear...if I didn't already know with confidence the answer. For I know the answer has two meanings, at least for me (and I hope for you), first, a heavenly answer that reaches to earth everyday and then an earthly answer that blesses me everyday.

I am a Child of God (John 1:12) growing up with out an earthly father this was so important for me to learn and then fully gasp but in time I have come to see my Heavenly Father as my all in all! My Father and in that my heavenly Father has since blessed me with other fathers in my earthly existence, which I will talk about below!

I have been justified (Romans 5:1) knowing where I have been, what I have been through and what I have done, this fact took so long to sink in. And times God has to remind me that I am still justified. But God is forever patient to keep telling me how much he loves me and how much he has already sacrificed for me!

I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2) knowing the past does not hold any power over me allows me to live victoriously in the present and look with positive expectation towards the future. I stand in awe of how far of where God has brought me and where God will take me!

I am confident that God will continue to finish what he has started in me (Philippians 1:6) I find freedom not to have to be perfect in the present knowing that God will; in his time make me perfect in his sight. He is faithful to mold me into the perfection he longs for me to be!

The above references came from www.ficm.org

So far I have mentioned all the aspects of who I am in God or the heavenly aspects of who I am! But in the beginning I mentioned that I also have some earthly blessings that touch my life everyday. My husband is the best blessing I have in my life. He is my best friend and the love of my life. We met and only three weeks after the day we met we set our wedding date! We would not advice that of others, but we knew. That was sixteen and a half years ago and we will celebrate our sixteenth wedding anniversary this next February! I am not going to say its been all roses and candy, sometimes we can really fight; just ask our three kids. But we always work it out in the end or at least we agree to disagree and we know that we are in it for the long haul! He blesses me everyday in lots of ways, with a smile or making me laugh or a kiss or something as small as a glass or tea or hundred other little things we have come to just do for each other through the last sixteen years! I mentioned above not having an earthly father and my husband is such a great father to our three children and watching him be such a great father to our children has provided me healing for my own childhood and growing up without a father; by watching my husband model what a father is supposed to be I am able to see what God means by fatherhood! Then there are three other blessings; my three beautiful kids, Shae is 14, can't believe I can say that I will have a 15 year old son in July; can't believe I am that old! Briley is 12 and a beautiful daughter and Bryant is 8 and a active boy! They are my joy and I love watching them smile; I have such a hard time making them behave when when they are laughing and smiling, and they know it; they can just make us laugh and we just all get to laughing, we have been known to have food fights even in a resturant! But those are the memories that sitting here make me smile!

All and all...when asked "who am I" I am incredibly blessed!