Choices

It's a cold January morning as I sit here contemplating so many things. How did I get here? Not here in the since of Earth or time or space? But here in the since of simply my life and experiences. I choose to I could look at this particular time of the year, specifically this month with disdained and contempt; and to be honest for many years I did. It's been twenty years now and so many things have changed and that is why I sit here on this cold January morning contemplating. Because of those changes I have come to realize it's all about choices!



Twenty years ago this year, in 1990, my world was turned upside down and inside out. The specifics of those events will be left for another time; what you can take from my statement is this I was in the most dark place I had ever been and I stayed there for years. I eventually found my way out, or I should say I was led out by the grace of God!


In, January of 2001 another tragedy stuck my life again; and I began to think, "could this be happen again, in the same month?" My younger brother died in a car accident, he was 27 years old and left behind a young son who was not quite four years old at the time. Thoughts ran through my mind for hours that this would give me even more reason to just hide my heart away for the whole month of January, like I have attempted to do several times in years past.


These thoughts of using the death of my brother as another excuse to hide only lasted a few hours because there was a pressing physical pain that kept forcing me back to other more pressing issues... I was nine months pregnant with our third child and having contractions! I had rough pregnancies and been in preterm conditions with this pregnancy like the first two since the six month mark; and I had been hoping for weeks to go early. Yet on the day of hearing of my brothers death we all began to pray I could wait to deliver our baby until after my brother funeral.


My brothers car accident was on January 4th 2001 and on January 8 2001 we had his funeral. We had not gone to our families the previous Thanksgiving or Christmas because I had not been allowed to travel due to my pregnancy complications, but upon the news of my brothers death I just went. I let my OBGYN know of the news of my brothers death and that I was leaving town. I continued to have contractions and began to swell but none of us thought any thing of it. The night of my brothers funeral I went into labor and planned to drive back to our home hospital but my husband and mother convinced me to be checked out near where we were. Due to more complications the doctors preformed an emergency c-section. I was told the next day that the placenta had detached over 50%, I had been bleeding internally and that both our son and myself were at risk for not making it through the birth had we tried to drive back home.


Our son, Bryant was born January 9th weighing 9 pounds 4 ounces healthy and happy and is nine years old this month! The older ladies in our church at the time nick-named him their little miracle baby and each Wednesday night service when we would walk in they would walk up and snatch him out of my arms and I would sit in front of them and never get to hold him; they kept him like that until we moved away about seven months later... I didn't even know their names! Bryants has heard us tell this story so many times that he even uses it against us sometimes, when he is in trouble, saying "but I am your miracle baby" with a crooked sweet little smile on his face!


My point to this article is this, a time of the year that used to hold so much heartache and seemed to set me up for darkness has been changed. Revelation 21: 5 "He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." I believe even in our attitude God can transform us, I know he has done this work in me! I have come to believe its all about choices; we make so many choices everyday~ what we will wear, what we will eat, how we will get to work this morning and so on, we can also choose to look at the day positive or negative. You know when people ask, "how are you?" I have recently started responding, "I am well" I am not trying to be fake there are days I may in fact have a headache or something "big" going on in my personal life, but I know because of God in my life "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!" I also know I have a few prayer warriors I can call on to share those concerns with as I need too.


I don't want to come across as though things don't hurt, please don't think that is what I am saying; not in the least. I still remember the trauma from twenty years ago but it does not hold power over ms ad it once did. And I miss my brother all the time but I hold onto the promise that I will see him again. I have just learned that I can choose this dwell on what I don't have or the negative things that have happened in my life or I can choose this day to see the wonderful ways God has provided for me! I choose to see God working in my life.

Now, for example I look forward to January, can you believe that, we celebrate this month, and we think everyone should it's Bryants birthday it should be a holiday he is our miracle baby after all! :) Again my point is that it is all about choice's, there are still things in my heart that grieve me and I know they grieve my Father above (that is an article to come) but I choose to be thankful and stand on the positive that's all around.

Who Am I

I recently lost my old blog and had to start a new one. I decided to start afresh and begin with a little about me, this lead me to consider, "Who Am I?" When thinking about that question, I am humbled and could almost tremble with fear...if I didn't already know with confidence the answer. For I know the answer has two meanings, at least for me (and I hope for you), first, a heavenly answer that reaches to earth everyday and then an earthly answer that blesses me everyday.

I am a Child of God (John 1:12) growing up with out an earthly father this was so important for me to learn and then fully gasp but in time I have come to see my Heavenly Father as my all in all! My Father and in that my heavenly Father has since blessed me with other fathers in my earthly existence, which I will talk about below!

I have been justified (Romans 5:1) knowing where I have been, what I have been through and what I have done, this fact took so long to sink in. And times God has to remind me that I am still justified. But God is forever patient to keep telling me how much he loves me and how much he has already sacrificed for me!

I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2) knowing the past does not hold any power over me allows me to live victoriously in the present and look with positive expectation towards the future. I stand in awe of how far of where God has brought me and where God will take me!

I am confident that God will continue to finish what he has started in me (Philippians 1:6) I find freedom not to have to be perfect in the present knowing that God will; in his time make me perfect in his sight. He is faithful to mold me into the perfection he longs for me to be!

The above references came from www.ficm.org

So far I have mentioned all the aspects of who I am in God or the heavenly aspects of who I am! But in the beginning I mentioned that I also have some earthly blessings that touch my life everyday. My husband is the best blessing I have in my life. He is my best friend and the love of my life. We met and only three weeks after the day we met we set our wedding date! We would not advice that of others, but we knew. That was sixteen and a half years ago and we will celebrate our sixteenth wedding anniversary this next February! I am not going to say its been all roses and candy, sometimes we can really fight; just ask our three kids. But we always work it out in the end or at least we agree to disagree and we know that we are in it for the long haul! He blesses me everyday in lots of ways, with a smile or making me laugh or a kiss or something as small as a glass or tea or hundred other little things we have come to just do for each other through the last sixteen years! I mentioned above not having an earthly father and my husband is such a great father to our three children and watching him be such a great father to our children has provided me healing for my own childhood and growing up without a father; by watching my husband model what a father is supposed to be I am able to see what God means by fatherhood! Then there are three other blessings; my three beautiful kids, Shae is 14, can't believe I can say that I will have a 15 year old son in July; can't believe I am that old! Briley is 12 and a beautiful daughter and Bryant is 8 and a active boy! They are my joy and I love watching them smile; I have such a hard time making them behave when when they are laughing and smiling, and they know it; they can just make us laugh and we just all get to laughing, we have been known to have food fights even in a resturant! But those are the memories that sitting here make me smile!

All and all...when asked "who am I" I am incredibly blessed!