Choices

It's a cold January morning as I sit here contemplating so many things. How did I get here? Not here in the since of Earth or time or space? But here in the since of simply my life and experiences. I choose to I could look at this particular time of the year, specifically this month with disdained and contempt; and to be honest for many years I did. It's been twenty years now and so many things have changed and that is why I sit here on this cold January morning contemplating. Because of those changes I have come to realize it's all about choices!



Twenty years ago this year, in 1990, my world was turned upside down and inside out. The specifics of those events will be left for another time; what you can take from my statement is this I was in the most dark place I had ever been and I stayed there for years. I eventually found my way out, or I should say I was led out by the grace of God!


In, January of 2001 another tragedy stuck my life again; and I began to think, "could this be happen again, in the same month?" My younger brother died in a car accident, he was 27 years old and left behind a young son who was not quite four years old at the time. Thoughts ran through my mind for hours that this would give me even more reason to just hide my heart away for the whole month of January, like I have attempted to do several times in years past.


These thoughts of using the death of my brother as another excuse to hide only lasted a few hours because there was a pressing physical pain that kept forcing me back to other more pressing issues... I was nine months pregnant with our third child and having contractions! I had rough pregnancies and been in preterm conditions with this pregnancy like the first two since the six month mark; and I had been hoping for weeks to go early. Yet on the day of hearing of my brothers death we all began to pray I could wait to deliver our baby until after my brother funeral.


My brothers car accident was on January 4th 2001 and on January 8 2001 we had his funeral. We had not gone to our families the previous Thanksgiving or Christmas because I had not been allowed to travel due to my pregnancy complications, but upon the news of my brothers death I just went. I let my OBGYN know of the news of my brothers death and that I was leaving town. I continued to have contractions and began to swell but none of us thought any thing of it. The night of my brothers funeral I went into labor and planned to drive back to our home hospital but my husband and mother convinced me to be checked out near where we were. Due to more complications the doctors preformed an emergency c-section. I was told the next day that the placenta had detached over 50%, I had been bleeding internally and that both our son and myself were at risk for not making it through the birth had we tried to drive back home.


Our son, Bryant was born January 9th weighing 9 pounds 4 ounces healthy and happy and is nine years old this month! The older ladies in our church at the time nick-named him their little miracle baby and each Wednesday night service when we would walk in they would walk up and snatch him out of my arms and I would sit in front of them and never get to hold him; they kept him like that until we moved away about seven months later... I didn't even know their names! Bryants has heard us tell this story so many times that he even uses it against us sometimes, when he is in trouble, saying "but I am your miracle baby" with a crooked sweet little smile on his face!


My point to this article is this, a time of the year that used to hold so much heartache and seemed to set me up for darkness has been changed. Revelation 21: 5 "He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." I believe even in our attitude God can transform us, I know he has done this work in me! I have come to believe its all about choices; we make so many choices everyday~ what we will wear, what we will eat, how we will get to work this morning and so on, we can also choose to look at the day positive or negative. You know when people ask, "how are you?" I have recently started responding, "I am well" I am not trying to be fake there are days I may in fact have a headache or something "big" going on in my personal life, but I know because of God in my life "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!" I also know I have a few prayer warriors I can call on to share those concerns with as I need too.


I don't want to come across as though things don't hurt, please don't think that is what I am saying; not in the least. I still remember the trauma from twenty years ago but it does not hold power over ms ad it once did. And I miss my brother all the time but I hold onto the promise that I will see him again. I have just learned that I can choose this dwell on what I don't have or the negative things that have happened in my life or I can choose this day to see the wonderful ways God has provided for me! I choose to see God working in my life.

Now, for example I look forward to January, can you believe that, we celebrate this month, and we think everyone should it's Bryants birthday it should be a holiday he is our miracle baby after all! :) Again my point is that it is all about choice's, there are still things in my heart that grieve me and I know they grieve my Father above (that is an article to come) but I choose to be thankful and stand on the positive that's all around.